To Love Without Wanting Love

It's sad that when most of us love someone, we expect to be loved in return. So many friends of mine have told me of how their hearts were broken when the one they loved fell in love with someone else. So many relationships do not work out because one party is not showing enough love to the other. Conflicts are caused among friends when someone is not showing sufficient appreciation to someone else. Parents get bitterly upset when their children show no love to them after all they have done. I become resentful when I see no love expressed by someone whom I feel for and have given a fair bit to.

When I went into that resentful state, I had to ask myself why. Why should I expect anything back when I love someone? Why do most people love with an expectation to be loved back? With this expectation, love can mutate into sadness and hatred. With this expectation, love can cause much undesired pain. No wonder so many philosophers and religions teach us the concept of altruistic love, which the supposed path towards universal and unconditional love. I thought it would be easy to go around loving everyone like hippies. But now when I face it myself, I realise how self-consuming love can be.

From the books that I have read that attempted to tackle this slippery topic, it seems that people have the capacity to love because they were loved by someone at some point in their lives. Love, empathy, compassion mostly comes from our parents or guardians who teach us these abilities by practicing them upon us. In this sense, we love because we were loved. In most of our lives, we seem to receive love before giving it. If this is true, then this would explain why a large number of people, myself included, hold contempt towards those who are "not returning the love". Most psychopaths seem to be what they are because of their inability to love, care and empathize because they themselves have never been shown these feelings. This seems to work the other way round- many who love someone without receiving a return seem to become psycho for at least a short period of time. My sympathy goes towards those who have gone completely psycho because of this.

However, that theory does not explain how some people succeed in loving altruistically. I watched Raising Helen recently. It showed how painful it can be for parents to act in ways that can make their children hate them so much when their actions are only for the good of their kids. Altruistic love can range from that to people who risk their lives on a daily basis just to bring food and medical supplies to victims in war-torn countries.

How these people can do this on a constant basis eludes me. In my attempt to practice altruistic love, I have caused much pain to myself. I have had to suffer in silence so often to suppress what I want for myself when I love someone. Does this take practice? Or is there a sudden realisation that might come to me and tell me that "It's all worth it!" ? I read a quote in a book recently that says something like "There is no duty more noble than the duty of helping another achieve success". Might this be what love without wanting love is all about?

Emotional mommy, emotional son

In this year spent away from my family, in another mile of self-discovery, I have learned to better understand my mom who is a few thousand miles away from me, and how much I am like her.

Ever since attending Trinity College, I have tried to portray myself as a person who is all rational and philosophical, always looking at things from a third-person perspective and my thoughts unhampered by emotions. When I plan things, I never consider the subjective and emotional aspects of things, always trying to adopt the "Just Do It, No Sweat" attitude. Often, my plans are foiled because in truth, the execution of my plans involves lots of sweat, and lots of emotional issues to handle. Issues such as motivational problems, apathy, short-term gratifications and distractions of passion.

Even looking back at the times when I advise people with their problems, I seem to myself like a management consultant, telling people "what" to do without considering the difficulty of the "how", adding the fact that the "hows" are the toughest issues to deal with in these problems as they are often closely linked to the handling of emotions. Like playing one of those maze-puzzles in the newspapers or children activity books, finishing them easily because we get to see the maze from the top when it is way more difficult if we are in the maze itself. Sometimes I wonder what right do I to advise people regarding problems which I myself have never encountered before, or problems which I have encountered before but have not solved.

This year, for various reasons, I have learned to accept the fact that considering issues merely from a rational point of view is... irrational. When I considered what course to do in uni, I just chose what seemed at that time to be the best option for my future. I never considered the matter of enjoyment and feeling content with what I was doing. Now, I suffer from many uncertainties regarding the happiness of my future, the purpose of my studies and the bewilderment of what I should do after I graduate.

When deciding whether to enter into relationships, I used to consider only the facts and only factors that can be thought of, such as whether she and I can have a future together and whether our personalities complement each other. At that time, I thought things like chemistry between people could be easily developed and was not an important issue to consider just as long she seems compatible with me. I thought the matter of physical attraction could easily be overcome (I also learned that physical attraction is not restricted only to what we see, but I don't think that I will discuss that issue over my blog). I thought the concept of "loving without attachment" that was taught by many philosophers was easy to adopt. Damned, that ain't easy. When I love, I seem to want to be loved in return. Now, after various experiences and much frustration and contemplation over those experiences, I have begun to appreciate the inexplicable x-factor in relationships, the chemistry of love.

My mom is not very different. From what I can understand with my measely 20 years of experience on this world, my mom puts on something that can be almost called a facade. A facade of a tough woman whose decisions and actions are unhindered by emotions. The "you mess with me, I mess you up!" kind of person. She would have lots of potential to build an outstanding career if that really was her attitude. The only thing is, that isn't. She is so much more emotional and mushy inside. She can be so sweet when expressing her love to my paps, despite the fact that he isn't very creative in that sense (if you ever read this, i'm sorry! But it's true!). She lectures me about having to be mean to be successful in the real world, and then complains to me about how "sui", or what pricks some her friends can be when they have not shown appreciation for her friendship. She shows anger when she punishes us for disappointing her when in truth, she is crying within. The reason why she does not have that career is because her four children just takes too much of her time. Time that she prefers to do nothing else with but make sure that we are raised to be fine adults.

But whether she has or has not accepted the fact that she is an emotional person, I still do not know. Maybe she does, and we should play the game of life like her: showing that we are strong where we are weak. Or maybe she continues to put on the mask of a superwoman to remind herself that the world has no place for softies. I know at least for myself, I have learned to recognize the influences that emotions can have on my actions. Maybe someday I will get to find out what my mom is really thinks of herself and the world.